Thursday, 24 January 2013

What Developers Think ... ???

Mad shit from movies:
  • You can't zoom in on photos beyond their actual resolution
  • We're not all fat
  • We're not all fat lazy geniuses
  • We ACTUALLY DO know how to talk in human, non-techie language... our jobs depend on it!
  • Computers don't make high pitched beeps and chirps when displaying data.
  • If they did, that would be the first setting disabled by any developer
  • Programmers are not electrical engineers... most don't own a soldering iron.
  • I have no idea how to hack. Neither do my colleagues.

Developers in your workplace:
  • We are not a necessary evil. 
  • Don't tell us what you think the solution is, give us the symptoms of the problem or requirement... you'll get a lot further much, much quicker
  • Code-freeze means: that bug is staying, so live with it.
  • I can see that you deleted the record. There is an audit trail!! Stop trying to blame my code and man up!
  • I genuinely do not know how long it will take until I look at it properly - this is not a lazy stalling tactic
  • If it gives unwanted results after passing UAT, its YOUR FAULT!
  • Non-techie management should never pick platforms. Ever. Every time... every bloody time they get pitched a bunch of rubbish by guys with big smiles in sharp suits with a shiny box of promises. They then make an executive decision and a million dollars disappears along with what remains of my work place happiness!
  • Agile/Scrum means: If you don't turn up to stand up meetings your work will not get done. Your fault.
  • We're more creative than your marketing department.

Developers in real life:
  • Yes, I can develop web sites... but no, I won't do it for the contents of your penny jar, so don't ask as refusal may offend.
  • I don't know specifically why your home computer is slow/broken/won't print/can't get online... it could be any one of a thousand million things. I'm a programmer, go talk to an infrastructure guy. Look: there's one over there hiding behind the curtains!
  • I don't care about your daughter/brother/aunt/long-lost-friend who "works with computers"
  • Don't glaze over because I said "Database" when you asked me the question

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